"What the f*ck is a semifreddo? That's ice cream, is what that is, Dana." I unwittingly overheard this conversation at the table next to me while celebrating my wedding anniversary with my husband over dinner. The man continued: "It's frozen. It tastes like coffee. It's f*cking coffee ice cream."
Oh! We were enjoying the same dessert as the unfortunately arguing couple seated next to us, and my husband was having similar trouble making the distinction between the two...as I watched the man furiously stab his spoon into his dessert dish opposite his terrified wife out of the corner of my eye, I slowly realized that the unhappy couple sitting next to us were, in fact, not next to us but were us! I had been glancing sideways into a mirror.
Wow, the semi-fredo (not ice cream) is making Nick really, really angry, and I look very, very worried. This embarrassing situation (the culinary confusion between the ice cream and the semi fredo, not the fact that my husband - unintentially but still - tried to impale me with his spoon, twice; and I know most certainly it was the semi fredo he was mad at, not me) caused me to put a mirror up to my own face, figuratively speaking and beg the question: just how many frozen desserts are out there that my husband doesn't know about? If my husband, being the highly intelligent person that he is and therefore representing the most well-educated class of people in the world, can't correctly identify a semi-freddo, then by God, we clearly have a problem of global proportions. I mean if you're served a semi-freddo and incorrectly assume it's just melted ice cream, what the fuck?
So, I see it as my civic duty (not currently or ever having had one) to illustrate the sometimes subtle, always delicious, potentially pretentious differences between the many frozen dessert options. This will ensure that on your next culinary adventure, you won't embarras yourself or your spouse by confusing an italian ice with a Slurpee. We will start with the most basic items and work our way up from there. I encourage you to try all of the following items as you read along, so you can taste the difference for yourself. This will be delicious for you and will, subsequently, make you much, much fatter than me, so we all benefit.
1) Popsicle. Water with added sugar and flavorings frozen and molded onto a stick. Juice or pureed fruit can also be used. If you want to get really annoying, you could use jello, pudding, or jello-pudding. Most commonly available in phallic shapes but the possibilities are endless. Available at gas stations, convenience stores, supermarkets, and from creepy ice cream vendors who I think are now all listed sex offenders, but if you can flag one down, go for the Bomb Pop. Amazing.
2) Slush Puppie. The most liquidy of all frozen confections, a slush is made with water, sugar, flavoring, and radio-active or neon food coloring and dispensed out of a churning machine to keep it from freezing solid. Red dye no. 5 was big with this one until the partypoopers came along in the 1970's and decided to make everything 'safe' for children. They succeeded in the safe department but forgot about the deliciousness of red food coloring. Boo. The logo for this product includes a picture of a dog sporting a cozy hat and sweater which immediately lets you know, hey, this shit is cold, and if you're in the mood for that kind of thing then this is for you, or something to that effect. Available solely in gas stations, convenience stores, and some movie theaters that are not willing to invest in the time it takes to maintain a soft-serve machine; with cream as a main ingredient, soft-serve machines can get downright nasty. Windex, arguably an effective windshield cleaner, is not an effective anti-microbial.
3) Slurpee. A variation of the Slush Puppie, though no one truly knows which came first. (There have been intense debates about this since the early 1900's.) A Slurpee has very fine ice granuals and has the consistency of craft foam. (You know I'm right if you've ever bitten into a chunk. Subtley grainy and satisfying.) Again, this item is made with water, sugar, and flavoring, and is dispensed out of a machine, made from the same prototype as a cement mixer but way, way colder. The Slurpee does not have an animal for a mascot; instead, the logo uses a simple '70's disco font that implies motion, as in, 'if you choose to partake in this beverage, you are going places, man!', which for most of us from that era meant serving Slurpees. An unfortunate and potential life-threatening side-effect of Slurpee consumption is Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia. Slurp at your own risk.
4) Sorbet. Sorbet is similar to a Slurpee but much, much fancier, though no one will ever admit this in public. Sorbet, like a Slurpee, has water and sugar as its main ingredients but is frozen to a lower temperature. Unlike a Slurpee which is composed primarily of scrumptious chemicals, a sorbet calls for 'natural ingredients' such as 'fruit' or 'chocolate' and is served in a 'glass dish'. (Alternately, a Slurpee is served in a paper cup, because in the middle of the night at a 7-Eleven, a glass dish becomes a lethal weapon.) Sorbet is also known as Sherbet (really, Sherbert) if you're a red-neck or Italian Ice if you are Italian, want to be Italian, or shop at Publix. For our intents and purposes here, it's all the same damn thing.
5) Ice Cream. Ice cream is made primarily from milk or cream, sugar, and fruit or other flavorings. The ice cream is churned and chilled slowly to produce a smooth and creamy product so delicious that certain people (most often single women who own multiple cats) will eat as much as a gallon at a time while sitting alone in their closet. It's that good. Common flavors include chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla. Other less common flavors include red bean, green tea, and onion-bacon, which are stupid. Chocolate chip cookie dough is another flavor that while widely available and wildly popular is also stupid. Artificial sweeteners and flavorings are often used to make ice cream less fattening so that people are able to eat more of it and not feel bad about putting on a swim suit at the start of the summer. Some researchers have identified many of these artificial ingredients as potential cancer-causing agents, but many feel it's a fair trade to look good now and worry about cancer later. There are about as many ice cream parlours as there are Starbucks, so about every 15 feet or so. Ice cream is most readily available from your local mobile ice cream vendor, trolling your neighborhood's pools and playgrounds. Just don't leave your child unattended (see above).
6) Gelato. Gelato, despite popular belief, does not contain gelatin, or horse hooves, so sorry to disappoint. Gelato is similiar to ice cream in that the main ingredients are dairy, sugar, and flavorings, such as fruit or chocolate. Gelato is dissimiliar to ice cream in that it is composed primarily of whole milk as opposed to cream, so it's less fattening and therefore smarter. It's smoother, richer, prettier, and contains less fat and hot air, like most Europeans. I just don't understand why they feel the need to keep rubbing this in. We get it, okay? Now, back off!
7) Semifreddo. "Semifreddo" is Italian for "half-cold", as in a half-cold, or melted, gelato. In ancient Italy, a servant had absent-mindedly left the king's gelato sitting on the counter while out for a smoke. When the king demanded to know where his dessert was, the servant had no choice but to chance serving the melting confection to his infuriated majesty. At the sight of it, the king shouted, "whata in the hecka is thata?!" and the servant, thinking himself to be very clever, replied, "e un semi-freddo!!!!" (or "it'sa halfa-colda!!!" to those who don't speak Italian.) The servent was subsequently beheaded, but the trend caught on with the wait-staff because it allowed them to take a smoke or bathroom break without worrying about the waiting gelato melting on the counter and potentially risking their jobs or lives. So, be wary; even though it sounds much, much fancier, it's really just a pool of melted ice cream with a sprig of fresh mint on top. If that's worth 5 bucks to you, there you have it.
Let's recap what we've learned here. Semi-freddo is melted gelato; gelato is ice cream without the cream; ice cream is sorbet (or sherbet) without the dairy; a Slurpee or Icee is sorbet at a higher temperature and more chemicals; a popsicle is a Slurpee at a lower temperature with a stick up its ass. And if your wife says it's a semi-freddo, then it's a fucking semi-freddo, so shut the fuck up and eat it.
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